Wishing for a Crystal Ball....

Our thoughts can be our worst enemy sometimes!!  I can be having a decent day and out of no where a sneaky thought will come in to my mind that will make me fight back tears!!  Just had one of those moments!! I am was sitting here in my kitchen with the kids doing some work (I work from home) and Naomi came up to me and said 'mo cee-eal' which in and of it is self is pretty exciting...that she now knows she can interact with us and voice her needs and she will get a response.  So I gave her some more cereal, dry.  Well, then she said to me 'want milk'...which is also very exciting!!  Probably about two/three weeks ago she started doing this more consistently, using two word phrases, and without being prompted and entirely on her own requesting things from us.  So that has been something we have been celebrating and as she requests new needs or unprompted communicates with us in new ways it is always a reason to celebrate.

But even as I celebrate such occurrences, in the back of my mind I try and hold back my excitement!!  So annoying...I don't mean to, I don't even think about it when I do it! I don't want to shift my focus from a positive and happy moment and think of a gloomy one!!  Why can't we control our thoughts more!?!  The Bible tells us to (2 Corinthians 10:5), but I haven't been able to master that yet.  But there it was, making me focus on it, bringing me to fight back tears, not allow them to fall down my face.  "Is this the most we will ever hear of her."  I have mentioned this before, but I think one of the hardest things with Autism is the unknown factor.  The fact that no one, whether a mainstream doctor or a DAN one, not her BCBA, not her tutor who is with her 30+ hours a week, no not anyone can tell us what outcome to expect 6 months or 6 years from now.  And that for me is so hard.  To take things one day at a time.  I am not sure why, if it is a control issue, or simply a 'guard my heart' issue. 

Naomi is such a gift to us, just as she is today!  She adds so much to our family and we need her, love her, and want her with us, no matter what.  But I hate having to play the 'what if' and 'I wonder' game with so much of her future!!  So at times it's almost like I check myself in these great moments, the exciting ones where we see progress, to not let my hopes get too high.  Mostly, because I want to protect my heart I guess.  That is why I wish I had a crystal ball.  

If I could  just know what the future held for her, than I could relax.  Enjoy each of her milestones for what they are, what they bring to this present moment, and not try to decode them and see if it is a sign of greater things to come, or if it is the greatest we will see!!  

And that thought creeps in soooo often, too often!!  And Naomi doesn't even have to be around.  The other day Joelle and Isaac were playing while Naomi was at therapy.  They had built this obstacle with our couch cushions and were taking turns rescuing each other.  As Isaac was pretending to need help Jojo said, 'I am coming Isaac!  I will save you, I am a super hero!!'  It was so cute, it warmed my heart and maed me smile.  Then, totally unexpectedly and all too soon the moment was taken away from me with the thought 'will I ever hear Naomi say something like that?'  Then this week Joelle and I went shopping for some things Naomi needed for therapy.  As we walked around the store she'd make comments like, 'Momma, this is so beautiful' and 'Is this for Naomi momma?  She is going to looooove it!!' or 'Oh momma, this is going to make Naomi so happy!'  And again, as we were driving home those thoughts came into my mind.  Will I ever experience something like that with Naomi??  Well, I figured I can at least have  a modified version of it, so two days later I brought Naomi with me to the store.  The trip didn't quite bring the mother/daughter experience I had hoped for.  Naomi was fussing to get in the car, which she usually doesn't mind, arching her back and such.   Then when we got to the store she had to go in the shopping cart and the first item I grabbed I had to open and give her some to not start one of the never-ending tantrums.  And then, at the end it took me about 2 min (which seemed like 20 since a guy was standing there waiting to grab our cart) to take her out because she didn't want to leave it.  She kept squeezing her legs together so that I couldn't take her out of the seat as she cried/screamed.  

I am okay with whatever outcome it may be!!  Even as she is today Naomi already adds so much good to our lives and is a special gift to us!!  Yes, it is a lot of work, but it is a labor of love that is certainly worth it!!  I guess mostly I just want to place hedges around my heart and protect it from the pain of disappointment and broken dreams.  I guess I believe that if I know what her future will be like I will spare myself from dreaming big dreams for her, just to have to give them up 5, 10, 15 years from now. I guess I think somehow it will be less painful that way!!  

                                            

                                                 I know, kind of corny, but the best illustration I could find of God's hands!!

But even as I think that, I know God wants otherwise.  Instead of a crystal ball He wants me to have the peace that surpasses all understanding! Phillipians 4:6-7  He wants me to place my dreams, my heart, my trust, and my Naomi in His hands.  I know that this hard part, this unknown, God is using to bless us through as well.  This journey even without knowing the destination, perhaps especially because we don't know the destination, will bring about many lessons and blessings in and of itself.  Even as I sit here and think, I see that this is something that I have struggled with since young and that God wants me to work on.  To trust Him entirely!!  To trust that He truly does want what is best for me.  And that even in the pain and disappointment He will work things out for my best.  That even if there are broken dreams, to trust that He will be there to help us pick up the pieces, and that in turn He will turn those pieces into a beautiful mosaic that we wouldn't see otherwise!!

 

So instead of wishing for a crystal ball, I will go pray instead, and hand it over to God.  Again, and again, and again!!